50 Moans, Whines and Whinges of the Modern Englishman

The more I've written in this blog, the more I've moaned about things. In fact, it has almost become therapeutic to voice the series of minor things that appear to irritate me immensely. If there is one thing English people are good at, it is moaning. We are famous for it the world over. Americans might call us whinging limeys, and Australians moaning poms. Our reputation as complainers is well earned, although for such an obese nation, perhaps the fruit references are a bit outdated in those particular insults.

All of my moaning has got me thinking that perhaps a change of outlook is required. Less cynicism and more sunshine. (As a cynic, that last sentence has just made me cringe). Its something that I want to try anyway. But not before I get this lot off my chest.....

1) Hangovers. They just get worse as you get older. Once upon a time you could drink a huge amount, be sick on your white jeans and be up in time for breakfast (ok, the white jeans were a mistake). Once you get to 30, you're stuck with a hangover for two days, with an unhealthy dose of paranoia thrown in.

2) The insistence of everyone involved in business on the web to create unique terminology for absolutely everything they do annoys me immensely. Every day, a new term is created and people like me have to look them up. Well, I've got news for you, tech-speak creators. I know what WYSIWYG is now, and saying 'wizzywig' just makes you sound like idiots.

3) Is it necessary that every car driver has to drive the same roads they do every day at half speed every time it rains. The road is a bit wet, that's all. In a 30 mile an hour zone, even if the road is wet you aren't going to spin off the road if you approach the speed limit.

4) Search Engine Optimisation specialists. There are so many of you and plenty haven't got a clue. Until you find some way to distinguish yourself as one of the 'good ones', you will never get any business from me.

5) I understand the purpose of nasal hair. But when you get to a certain age, is there any need for it to grow at such a rate. If you don't watch out you could be waiting 20 minutes for a bus, and by the time it arrives you trip over it. (Yes, the nose hair, not the bus).

6) I wish the BBC would note that if they do a news article from Newcastle Upon Tyne, it is not necessary to play 'Fog on the Tyne' in a patronising fashion.

7) Changing the bedsheets is the only activity that requires more energy than climbing Everest. There must be a way to do it that doesn't leave my arms aching in agony when I attempt the duvet cover.

8) Spammers should note that inviting me to a 'webinar' will never, ever, ever be successful. The very word induces nausea.

9) UK Planning Departments have no plan in 99% of cases. Manchester's skyline has buildings in every architectural style ever devised by humans for example.

10) Every day a new foodstuff, drink or activity is declared as being damaging to your health. There is nothing left for anyone to eat! If it continues and everyone follows the advice, cancer will be eradicated but everyone will starve to death.

11) If psychics had the powers they claimed to, surely they would be able to contribute to society more than a small advert for a premium rate phone number in the back of a magazine.

12) Ghurkas, Nepalese soldiers who fight in the British Services cannot settle in the UK after their service. What annoys me more than anything is that the Labour party could have made a decision that would have been universally popular (their first for a long time), and they take the opposite view.

13) If you drive a Volvo like me you can't switch the headlights off. As a consequence you have to replace the bulbs every six weeks.

14) The only epidemic we are likely to have is Swine Flu Fever. This infects people who have a cold and recently ate burritos in a Mexican restaurant chain. There is no need for people to be wearing masks. Unless visiting Middlesborough. Face it, the only really at-risk group are Danish perverts (obscure joke there).

15) People on the internet who list themselves as 'Web Evangalists'. Tossers.

16) Hardly a unique moan, but driving a huge 4x4 in the city is stupid. It costs more, is more difficult to drive and pollutes more. Not rocket science.

17) If you get on a train and sit at a table in the UK, you will be joined by three people who talk loudly, eat smelly foods, drink booze, use their mobile phones all the time or simply smell. It is the law. Only one person per carriage is allowed to just sit quietly or read a book.

18) Internet people again. There is no such word as 'Mompreneur'.

19) Footballers being interviewed are so predictable and boring they may as well just record one at the beginning of the season and repeat it after each match. Days of any personality are over. You'll not get Ron Atkinson's great quote again - 'I never criticise referees and I'm not going to make an exception for that prat'.

20) Is there any need for the Glade air freshener advert where the irritating little boy shouts 'Muuuuuum, I need to do a poo!', over and over.

21) The conservative party are about to be elected by default, without explaining a single policy.

22) As a supporter of Carlisle United, away supporters singing '...just a small town in Scotland' is very boring, you all do it. And as for 'sheep, sheep, sheepshaggers', yes we know. We invented it.

23) My local supermarket doesn't stock the guardian, but does sell the weekly newspaper entitled, 'Cage and Aviary Bird News'.

24) The national lottery has not afforded me a single £10 win in 12 years. That is not good value.

25) At school it used to irritate when a fellow pupil would ask what was in my sandwiches and say 'Uuuuurrgh, tomato', or whatever was in it. But people, grown up people, still do it! Have you nothing better to do than criticise my choice of sandwich filling?

26) I cannot deal with people with no sense of humour, they totally disarm me and leave me gibbering and trying to crack jokes. This person is usually your boss.

27) Famous people who say 'I could never work a 9 to 5 job'. Insensitive idiots. It is called making a living for the majority, there isn't really a choice.

28) Web people (who feature a lot!). Don't describe yourself as 'ideas energisers'.

29) Do you remember when CDs came out and we were told they were virtually indestructible. Obviously the scientists who made these claims must have omitted certain things from their tests. Like playing them, or picking them up.

30) I've worked out that if a man needs 2,500 calories a day, the amount of calories you burn in an hour of the gym would suggest you've only just exceeded the amount you'd have burned if you just sat down instead.

31) I've often heard Americans say of the British, 'we saved your ass in WWII'. Perhaps if an earlier entry into a conflict against the world's most evil regime had been effected, millions of people would not have died. Just a thought.

32) A Scottish National Party official recently said that Scotland had been dragged into a recession by England. RBS and HBOS bailed out. Guess what the 'S' stands for in both of those.

33) Domino's Pizza looks revolting, tastes revolting and costs more than a good meal in a restaurant. How is that business model successful?

34) People wouldn't illegally download movies if it didn't require a second mortgage to get into a cinema.

35) Could I be bald or not bald. Is it necessary for me to look at the same time like a monk and someone with a map of the Isle of Wight on their forehead.

36) When I worked for a bank, somebody once rang in sick saying they'd run so fast on the treadmill they'd worn all the skin off their feet.

37) On a half full Easyjet flight, people will still sprint to get on the plane first, despite there being enough room for everyone to have their own row of seats.

38) There is a reason most Chinese buffet restaurants are patronised by more English people than Chinese. The Chinese people all eat in restaurants where the food is edible.

39) People who say that football is just 11 men chasing a ball about. Surely there must be something more to the world's most popular sport. And anyway, technically it is 22 men chasing a ball about.

40) British society dictates that if you drink red wine, go for meals with another man or like clothes you are gay. Call me Graham Norton then.

41) Critics of the new tax rate for top earners say it will cause a talent drain from the financial sector, the UK's biggest earning industry. The second biggest is Higher Education and research. Maybe the talent will move into this sector, meaning they'll be creating knowledge, rather than their own profits.

42) Simon Cowell's trousers are not newsworthy enough to take up column inches in the newspapers with the largest circulation in the UK.

43) I was informed by a former colleague that HD television was 'better than your own eyes'. Is it wrong to want to attack such people?

44) Everyone, including charities refers to the credit crunch in their marketing. Why constantly remind people of the fact when most will be unaffected, while simultaneously trying to get them to give you money. Buy from us and beat the credit crunch? Nonsensical.

45) Food labelling is ridiculous. I wouldn't be surprised to see 'free from artificial flavourings' displayed on rat poison in the future.

46) I could buy the best album of all time and I would listen to it over and over until I ruin it because I have overdone it.

47) Being English, why do I still turn a crimson red of shame when recalling the most minor embarrassing social situations. Things that happened ten years ago or more that everyone else will have forgotten about?

48) You can put a man on the moon, but you can't create a cordless phone that doesn't have more interference than Garry Glitter at a school disco.

49) When writing a blog and creating a list, you choose a number of things that you are going to cover. In this case, 50. But by the time you get close, you can't think of anything. If I had called this the 1 moan, rather than the 50 moans, I'd have got writers block before I'd started.

50) In approximately 50% of pubs I've been in in my life, you have been able to smell the toilets while standing at the bar. That is just wrong.

That is it, I'm a new man. All my bitterness has gone. If you've got this far, please feel free to add your own in the comments below!